In one of my solitary days, I recalled one of Adam Levine’s popular song: Lost Stars. As I contemplated on the lyrics, the stories of the song talked to me as if it tells my own story.
“Please don't see just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies. Please see me reaching out for someone I can't see.”
At 31, indeed I am still very much just a boy at heart. I strongly resist to go unto maturity. I am currently at the stage of my life where dreams and fantasies collide. And at the same time, I am reaching out for that someone who can provide me with the things that I wanted: God. I am caught up in a situation where I have to take the responsibility to become a mature person because it is a necessity, but I am really very much just a boy inside. I am at the very centre of my youthful years. I maybe am at the pinnacle of my life but I still feel lost inside.
“Take my hand, let’s see where we wake up tomorrow. Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand. I’ll be damned, Cupid’s demanding back his arrow. So let’s get drunk on our tears....”
As we wait for the result of our petitions to the heavens, we may experience the opposite of a best-laid plans for we don’t have one. We shoot for the stars with only hopes and prayers as collateral. As a family, without realising it, we have held the hands of each other hoping that we would still hold it preciously at the content of our hearts when tomorrow comes. Often times I couldn’t avoid to be a little bit more selfish, thinking and asking: What about me? How about me? Why me? When these moments visit me, I couldn’t help but burst into tears for I feel so less of a person.
“God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young. It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run, searching for meaning, but are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?”
I almost always strongly feel that I have wasted my 20s with mostly unimportant things. I regret over the things that I thought I should have done no matter the consequences are. Perhaps, I am in a much better situation. Although, now is not entirely “un-good”, but my Id is whispering otherwise. How I wish that I was more daring back then. How I wish that I was more adventurous back in the days. How I wish I was more tenacious then. I may be living an entirely different life now. I may already be living the dreams. But of course, my Super-ego is always giving me a lift, saying that there’s meaning and purpose in all these.
“Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy. Woe is me if we're not careful turns into reality. Don't you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow.”
The “I” is such a self-centred statement. I realised that I focused much of my writings with what I feel inside. Sure, I am praising God with words but I am not certain how happy God is with my actions. I am always guilty of “what about me” phenomenon, thinking that who would look after my well-being other than myself. I feel jealous of people who have other people in their lives who are taking care of them. I long for the company of people who genuinely care. But very much like one of the stanzas of this song, who are we? We don’t have to look far to see the vastness of the horizon before us. Just close your eyes and you will see the infinity and beyond.
“I thought I saw you out there crying... And I thought I heard you call my name...”
Being a Christian, so much so being a Catholic, is based and was founded out of LOVE. Many times over I would ask from within me why would a God of infinite possibilities and powers would let His son died on the cross. It was a manifestation of love. Not that he could afford to see us die and to resurrect us later only to show his mightiness, but it is an act of love. For, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. And more importantly, God is Love.
“Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer. Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending...”
Moving forward, moving on is almost always a hard thing to do, yet, it is something that we must do with much courage and endurance. With help of prayers and petitions, God will certainly be our aide, guide, confidant, support so on and so fort. Just strive for another day, your lost star will surely find its way.