Indeed, time flies so fast. We are close to finishing one out of four quarters of 2018. It is not so long ago that I have declared this year to be my #recoveryyear and true enough I have recovered, is recovering, and will recover from a lot of things in my life. I’d have to admit my life is not at its best shape forming at the moment. I am going through so much recovery cycles in different aspects of my adulthood.
I am so unwell these days. I have been suffering from immense loneliness from not being able to spread my wings and fly. It’s all because my kind isn’t the kind that wave feathers to reach the sky. I am not meant to glide. I am simply human from hairs to the bones. I am not only restricted by rules and regulations. My body is my own cage. My self is my own wall.
I am (we are) blessed with a God of grace. He blesses us despite our own shortcomings. And that’s what you call grace, all founded in love. Despite all frailties as a flesh, God has not surrendered from showing the kind of God he is - the kind that I don’t deserve. I say this because my sins are so overwhelming that I couldn’t even begin to own it. I have mastered volunteering to it. And that’s so much lower than a slave. No dirt can ever make me much dirtier than I am.
We’ve got another answered prayer: My sister’s father have been found. Or, more like resurfaced from nowhere to existence. First of all, glory be to God for hearing this prayer of my mom and sister for the last two decades. Sure, I have been praying with them for I know how important it is, at least for my sister to know half of herself that have been abandoned for years. I know this could answer questions of so many yesterdays such as what happened? how have you been? did you ever think of finding a daughter known to you? why didn’t you stand up for mom and my sister? These are questions I don’t dare to ask because this is my sister’s story. However, they are on my mind. Perhaps, because I was there watching them go through life without this man. Perhaps, because I know how it feels to be set aside by own father. I will not lie to you. With all these pains rekindling in our lives, I can’t help but get confuse how a good and loving God let all these things to just slipped his mighty powers. And then I am reminded that this world is all broken, and how we should put all trust in Him. Of course, it’s easy said than done. Holding on to promises is naturally so unbelievable in this world, in this lifetime. I am not sure where I could find it inside my heart but I am (we are) grateful. This is a very important revelation in the lives of my mom and my sister. I praise the Lord in highest! Truly, the man whom once we thought may have died already have now been recovered. My mom and my sister can look forward to days of recovering this cord of relationship.
More than an answered prayer, it’s a breakthrough in the lives of those important to me. It may not be for me directly but I know it is a monumental change. What I can’t explain was that feeling of fear. Because I know it is a happy occasion. Suddenly, I began to question my prayers. Suddenly, I am so afraid of my own wishes. For whatever it is, I am leaving it all up to Him. I am so unclear of the future. I am so uncertain of our tomorrow. I don’t even know what I want.
I believe that we are at a certain place and time for a reason. We are placed in a situation that is fit for purpose. As Jesus said it, “You do not realise now what I am doing, but later you will understand” - John 13:7
Your life may not be yours but this moment has long been given you - OWN IT!!!