• mr. ikigai

WHY ARE WE STILL SINGLE?


I’m sorry if I had to drag you into this. I am actually just referring to myself.


I thought it’s about time to make this confession on why I am still single even if age, situation, and everything in me is pointing at the idea of “settling down”. Truth to be told, being with someone is not a singular decision to be made. Had there been someone willing to be with you, is that the same person you feel you can be with for a really long time?


I’ve seen a number of write up and video blogs attempting to enumerate WHY someone is still single after a certain age, phase or moment in time. Some of the items in their list are striking and piercing to my core. But it did help in at least getting the idea on probably why, because honestly, I can’t explain in plain language how I got into this situation of being lonesome. But of course, I ain’t completely oblivious on what brought me in this solitude (ouch! lol). Here are some from the blogs I read from before:


#1 - PLAYING HARD TO GET


From CBS News’ 12 Reasons You’re Still Single article (https://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/2/), without hesitation at their no. 1 spot they said that possibly you’re playing hard to get. What can I say? After reading it through the 12th bullet, that no. 1 reason was still the most piercing for me. Not exactly as how they described it but something similar.


It made me realised that I have been playing hard to get all along. I long to be in a relationship with someone but I just can’t accept that truth to myself. Perhaps because I have to, because I’ve got so much carry-on baggage of personal issues that I can’t let my future partner to know. I just can’t. While I am clear that a special someone may be able to ease the burden of whatever issues I may have. But even the idea of becoming vulnerable to someone else other than myself creeps me. Not that I’m afraid to be seen weak but I simply don’t want to be judged. I’ve heard enough hurtful words of people in probably the same situation that I thought I would be too stupid for letting it happen to me as well. So as a result, I subconsciously just play it hard to get.


#2 - I AM WOUNDED


In an article by Colleen Healy on Zoosk (https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/single-life/10-reasons-youre-still-single/), at no. 3 spot is the staggering “You’re wounded” as one of the possible 10 reasons why you are still single.


Oh yes I am! I am so deeply wounded. One, of my own past relationships, and two, with my parents’ unsuccessful relationships and marriages.


My mom have been in at least two other relationships after my dad. Unfortunately, all of them were also failed relationships. While my dad have been in a number of relationships during and after my mom’s. Sure they stayed in touch and somewhat friends but the truth remains, we are a broken family. And it made me live an extra ordinary life throughout my childhood until today.


I’ve also been trying to recover from past hurts. It’s a shame that I never really learned how to move on perhaps because I deeply poured out my heart into it. After about a really long time, I still linger on why’s and what if’s and what should have been’s. Sometimes, I would just caught myself wandering of all the things way behind me. I was still hopeful, when clearly there is no iota of hope to hold on to.


#3 - PICKINESS


From Psychology Today by Dr. Lisa Firestone (https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/compassion-matters/201311/8-reasons-you-might-still-be-single), at no. 4 spot: “Pickiness”.


This is maybe is the Virgo in me that rules! Yes, I confess I have such pickiness. I thought I shouldn’t pursue just anybody just because I am racing with time. I’d rather be alone all my life than be with someone I don’t want to be with. It’s the rest of my life I am bargaining here, okay?! Lol, so never ever wonder why I am so alone right now (LMAO).


Kidding aside, I honestly don’t have specific trait that I look for or a checklist of things like a mechanical tick box. Rather, I simply know who I want in an instant. I know from deep within me.


#4 - I AM STILL WORKING ON MYSELF


From the Bestlife by Julia Malacoff (https://bestlifeonline.com/reasons-youre-still-single/), she said that probably it’s because You are still working on yourself that is why you’re still single. And I can’t help but ponder on the truthfulness of this statement in my life.


She said “You’ll likely find that once you’re more comfortable in your own skin, you’ll have an easier time meeting people you really like.” And this perhaps would explain further my pickiness (from no. 3 on my list), I am yet into getting comfortable with my own skin. There are times that I just really want to hide coupled my dire desire to be alone most of the time. These reasons definitely have kept me for so many years to be in a relationship.


Hence, I’d like to believe that I am a work in progress. Compared to my younger self, I am more accepting and open to veracities of life. I noticed that age comes with the wisdom that the concept of time and life as a whole is way beyond our comprehension.


#5 - I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH INTIMACY


From Justin Brown’s blog dubbed “I’m 36, still single, and finally figured out why” (https://ideapod.com/im-36-still-single-finally-figured/), he enumerated four types people in relationship according to “Attachment Theory”. Among the four types, I can mostly relate myself with no. 3 - Avoidant or that of extremely independent, comfortable being alone and uncomfortable with intimacy. According to the article, “these people have massive problems with commitment and can often rationalise themselves out of any intimate situation. They are highly sensitive to feelings of being “crowded” or “suffocated” in a relationship, and in every relationship they always have an exit strategy. Avoidant types of people often create a lifestyle that supports their constant independence.”


I couldn’t help it. I have already been single for most of my adult life that I almost have no idea how to be “properly” intimate with someone. Not to mention that I grew up partly timid in exposing expression of intimacy with loved ones. Although I could greatly express myself in writing them cards and letters. But being with them physically tires me so much that I wish to avoid those situations. How much more with a romantic partner?!


This perhaps is my biggest revelation in this article. I am a very cold, introverted, meek kind-of-guy. Dare to deal with it?!


Let me hear from you or we can talk about life and love here: https://www.mrikigai.com/ask-me/_love. Chat with you soon!

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