Today was a chance day off from work. My employer suddenly decided to give a rest day for all to take time for our faith as we observe Good Friday. I had no excuse whatsoever not to take this time to do some introspection .

Most recently, I have been dealing with a lot of stress about the things that I cannot easily accept with my own naked eyes. I would often result to congest my mind with tumultuous justification to make me feel good. The whole truth was just so unbearable for me until the day that I realised that I cannot deal with it alone, with my own strength, for I am only me: human.

“.... it is the Lord your God who fights for you.” - Deuteronomy 3:22

Becoming an immigrant in a foreign country to be with your family seems enough of a reason to be granted permission to stay for long period of time but it also comes with the hopes to be able to find a better living condition. I am hopeful that this is the same way our immigration officer or any person who is holding our petition to think and feel the same. Being the person that I am, in my solitude, I couldn’t help but create scenarios on what could possibly go wrong in this application we made. Not to mention, how I have already reenact inside my head how heartbreaking it could possibly be to be separated with my family, most specially my nephew, when all I ever wanted is to be with them and be part of their lives.

My pessimism episodes confronted me of the fact that my wish of joining my family here is NOT the only reason why I want to be with them. It is also for myself, to satisfy my own dire need for a brand new beginning. Back home, I would often wrestle imagining how things can change when I reach the age “30”. I thought if I should still be alive at this age and still struggling personally and professionally the most ideal situation is to be away from my where I came from. To live in a place where nobody or at least the greater majority doesn’t know who I was. To sum it all up in one word, I wanted an ESCAPE.

It just appear so zealous to say that it’s all for family. How melodramatic isn’t? Sure I wanted to be with them but not entirely and so I needed to face it, so much so, confront it.

I needed to face the truth that I can’t go around my whole life playing the baby me. At some point, I have to embrace adulthood.

I needed to face the truth that I have wasted some of my time before for why I am always starting over.

I needed to face the truth that I cannot always rationalise my choices and actions. Simply accept it for what it is and be completely honest about it not for others but for myself and for the God who sees.

Confronting the truth doesn’t mean opposing, resisting, nor defying it. It means embracing it with a humble heart. It is an exercise of faith. It is faith. After all, as the Lord Jesus Christ said, “It is finished.” - John 19:30

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