"The waves: sometimes it is calm, other times it is raging."

“The Waves Analogy” has never escaped my mind from the very first time I heard of it from my attending Psychologist from before. She was the one who comforted me over the great devastation I felt when my beloved grandmother died in 2012. She said that the great sense of lost that I was feeling at that time is very much like the waves - sometimes it is calm, other times it is raging. What she said then was so true and a very precise description of how I will feel in days to come. The truth is, up to this day, I still strongly experience the devastation of my beloved Nanay’s passing. Although it wasn’t as frequent as it was in the beginning, but the pain was the same as if it happened only yesterday.

The thought about “the waves” revisited me recently as I examine my own emotion. I realised that it is practically applicable to many different situations in life and some large aspects of it like our FAITH. Another reason is because very soon, we will be approaching the crossroad of a life-defining moment for our family. It is big enough that we will have to ready ourselves for the possibility of being separated from each other given our situation. I am talking about myself and mom’s visa status here in Japan. As the “decision day” is coming, I am anxious, sad, worried, and calm all at the same time. I am anxious and worried because the decision over our stay (whether short- or long- term) is dependent on the policies and interpretation of people handling our case. Meaning, we do not have much influence about it, and is very straightforwardly beyond our control. The very thought of it and the scary scenario of not being able to wake up another day next to my nephew, and how it can possibly affect my mom is the source of my sadness. It is one of the possibilities. It is not certain but my system is already anticipating it. And yet, I am calm, thanks to God’s grace, because of that little voice inside me saying that things will fall into place, and that God has already granted our prayer as a family.

I am believing that God is infinitely able but I am also unable to trust that good and great things can happen to us.

To be very honest, the very reason why I am writing it down now is because of that feeling of guilt. I am guilty for doubting God’s intentions and plans for our lives. I am flabbergasted by the idea that despite all the outpouring blessings that we have received ever since I arrived here in Japan, I am still unable to completely trust in the Lord. I continue to have why’s: why should it be this humbling, why should it be this uneasy, why is it so outside my comfort zone, why didn’t you just sort it out from the beginning, why do we need to feel the suspense of fears and anxieties. My why’s are very much reflective of the chaos I have inside. I am believing that God is infinitely able but I am also unable to trust that good and great things can happen to us. I thought it is coming from another guilt knowing that I don’t deserve His favours for I am a sinner. I was also thinking that my disbelief is also influenced by the things that I see. Often in social media, i.e. memes saying that “positive thinking is not faith”. While I believe that it is also true, I couldn’t agree completely on this statement but couldn’t dispute it entirely either. I also wish that my faith is this absolute. That, even if I don’t see the road ahead, I will continue to walk with no sight of doubt. That even the pathway seems perilous, I will still continue because I am certain that my God is with me all the time, and that no harm will prosper against me for I am shielded by the love of God.

See the waves now? I have doubt and faith all at the same time. This isn’t new. Apostle Thomas also known as "The Doubting Thomas" was in disbelief that the Lord Jesus Christ resurrected from the dead. It was despite the fact that Jesus himself has said several times over different occasions when they were together on what will happen. “...Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.” Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!” Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” - John 20:26-29. I believe that just like me, Apostle Thomas believes that Jesus can, but maybe this truth about Jesus is so huge that is larger than life, and is so unfathomable that the human mind can't even begin to think of. Perhaps, the only good thing about having doubts is the fact that it is somewhat rooted from a tiny faith that it can also be realised.

Thanks to Him for allowing me to experience faith and grace. Indeed, blessed are those who believes in the Lord.

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