WITH ALL MY HEART OUT
"Stay positive” that’s a constant reminder I whisper to myself daily. Or at any given situation that would require positive thinking because the very situation at hand is the opposite. This happens to me so many times before and is still happening today. It would most often include people, their words, or their actions that would get to your nerves.
“it’s a broken world” and by being broken it is not surprising that things can and will go wrong
Whenever I would be placed in a situation where my inner peace is disturbed by the opinion of others or just anything that is out of my control, I would always retaliate to God on why he would allow such a thing. Why is he not doing anything to stop the other person from bad mouthing or from doing any act synonymous to hurting someone’s feelings. Or, why wouldn’t a Great God with His mighty powers put me in a much comfortable and favourable situation. Why can’t all people strive to understand one another? Why can’t someone be extra patient or kind or considerate or cool.. why can’t humans be peaceful to one another. Always, at times like this, I would hear that small voice inside my head saying “it’s a broken world” and by being broken it is not surprising that things can and will go wrong.
At work, whenever people, especially bosses would really test my patience and understanding, I would remind myself of Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters... It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” It is by necessity that I would remind myself about this verse whenever bosses are turning into evil monsters in my eyes. Be patient, think positive, it will end - these are the echoes in my head. I sure have managed to survive those days but I never was the same person. The scar in my heart and mind is so deep that even if all things are brand new I have that tiny growing fear each time that maybe it can happen again. I am wounded.
"I was so clueless about his motives and participated with all my heart out."
There was one time, in one of my previous jobs, I had this boss who was so protective of his image. He’d like to be seen as someone fair and honest. Truth to be told, he has ulterior motive with the things he’d like to implement. An example was a team renewal activity where he said he was doing because he’d like to address division and unhealthy competition in our small team. The external facilitator also set the ambiance as a “safe environment”; that anything that happens there stays there. The boss concurred on all these and even said that he also would like to know if sometimes he could also be the problem and for the members of the team to just be open and honest. When it’s the turn for the Start-Stop-Continue activity, where participants would tell the things that a person should start, stop, and continue doing (an activity with aim to appreciate and take chance to tell someone at work about what you least like about them), I made comment on his as well as the other team members about their display of emotions/behaviours at work e.g. shouting, cursing, disagreement, hostility. As part of the rule, you don’t need to locate who said it but agree to disagree and move on from that day with only the lessons to bring. But, that didn’t happen. I was publicly berated and insulted by that boss for the remarks I’ve made in a thunderous voice through out that day. He said it was destructing and inaccurate. I cried and was quite to myself. I put on that “game face on” smile on my face just to finish that day but I was crashed inside. I was like what is wrong with me. What is wrong with these people. The funny side was... at that very moment it was the same person who’s denying having display of hostility who was actually doing it right there and then. I learned later on that his objective was to expose the unwanted behaviour of his staff and catch them if they are for or against him, all of us, except him to be exposed. I was so clueless about his motives and participated with all my heart out.
I am so far away from that day. There still hurt inside my heart but that moment and all the other similar adventures have sharpened the axe of my fortitude. I knew that for as long as I did the right thing, even if it’s taking a toll on me, I have nothing to be ashamed of. But this, in my life, have proven Proverbs 21:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so is man sharpens another man.”